Sunday, December 8, 2013

Trimmings

I have decorated two trees so far, and a third one is still needing me at our winter home in Boulder Jct. I found some time to shop this weekend, realizing that the rest of my time will be spent up at the Ale House or working my weekday job. The holidays were weird last year. Dick was in school, studying up on Food Service Management as part of the preparation for the ale house opening last spring. this year feels like it is gearing up to be even weirder. Bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball, in the midst of trying to find our traditions, I am realizing that it is time. Time to lay down the old and find the new. I wonder how these moments felt to my parents. That moment when you realize that it is time to stop trying to recreate the past every Christmas. It is such a temptation to avoid thinking too deeply about how the present and future will be different from the past. As a rose colored glasses girl, I see the past as perfection. Opening the Aqualand Ale House has been birthing a dream. We have enjoyed so much about it, but at times like this I miss our simpler, more available life. But then I remember the thing that very few people know about my husband. He has a heart for people. When I look at someone and wonder worriedly where my purse is, he reaches out a hand. One of my first invites from him when we were first getting to know each other was to come over to his place at college, where he was renting a room from Paul, a world war one veteran. (there needs to be a story about Paul some other time). Dick told me he had invited a few people from Inter-Varsity Christian Fellowship, the campus group we had met through, over to play board games. I was already smitten, so of course I accepted the invitation. Upon arriving, I was surprised at the ragtag group of misfits he had assembled. Even in a para-church group, there were cliques- the popular, spiritual leader cool kids, the middle of the roads and the socially awkwards. It was strictly this last bunch who were Dick's guests at his very first venture into making friends at college. I was surprised, but jumped into the fun and enjoyed myself immensely. After everyone else left, I stayed behind to help clean up and I asked him how come he had selected the group for the night. He said simply, "I chose the ones that looked like they needed a friend." We have been arguing about opening for extended hours over the holidays, to include the Monday and Tuesday- Christmas Eve. I am selfish, I want family time. But then, I remember the man I married. This man who led men's groups for years, not so much mentoring, but just giving men a safe place to open up about the things they felt alone with. This man who looked into VA chaplin's assistant work and prison ministry before landing at the Ale House. This man who shares God's love in a unique way every day, has chosen to care for people to give them a great environment to feel welcome and hopes to help them enjoy something tasty and comforting. We have a new family, and a cozy place to gather. I will let him decide. I am pretty sure this is the last Christmas on the bubble. By next year, we will know better where home needs to be. We know I need to work, and I have a great career that I am good at. It provides a certain number which our new life of risk can count on. But perhaps we need to sell the old homestead. Perhaps a small work week apartment will be better for me and perhaps we need to unroll that set of plans that is all drawn up for our new home on the puddle out by the original Aqualand. I have been fighting with myself. My heart needs to be clear about it's place, and this home has been my refuge through three deployments. I know how to be safe here. The problem is that my life is moving on and when I am home to work each week, it is easy to try to re-create my nest. But nest is now empty except for momma, and momma is ready realizing it is time to rebuild. I am ready to decorate that last tree- the northern-most tree. I am ready to celebrate the holidays with all my new friends and the man with the big heart.

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